Wondering Out Loud

*This is kind of a sad post*

I had a weird dream the other night that brought my mind back to the loss of our baby boy on September 11, 2008. Since that dream I have been searching for counsel or direction from the church on miscarriages and/or stillborn children. To my dismay there is not much. And what there is is very vague and not encouraging.

So tonight my heart is heavy.

Since the loss happened I have been holding fast to the belief that I would someday have the opportunity to raise my boy. That I would get to experience the sweet joy of seeing him raised to a man. But everything I could find online and through the lds.org does not promise that, especially for a miscarriage.

So this leaves me with many questions that are not answered: Is it still considered a miscarriage if the pregnancy is halfway over? Or is it considered a stillborn? Why isn't there more revelation on this? My boy had a body, had a heartbeat (I SAW it beating), had LIFE in him - how can he not be considered as part of my family? What has become of his spirit? What will become of his tiny body at the resurrection? Does he know who I am? Does he know that I am his mom who still mourns for the loss of him? Does he look down on me from heaven and watches over loni, myself and his sisters? Will I see him one day and recognize who he is (or will he recognize me)? Am I a bad mom if I do not think of him every day?

All I can do is hope. And hope that my hope is not in vain. For I am still waiting to meet you, Lon Athan Weaver. My love is still flying to you on angel's wings; sweet dreams and God speed, little man.

Stella's Blessing

Today we held Stella's blessing and had a wonderful day! We had many people come and even had my Uncle's fly in from Utah. After church we had a luncheon - it was great. Loni made pulled pork and lots of people brought yummy food to eat. Stella is now officially on the records of the church and her first milestone in her life is done! Thanks to everyone who came and was a part of this special day.I love my little family.

More of Stella

I thought I would put together a show of all the pictures of Stella's birth, so here they are!

Stella Elisabeth Weaver

On Tuesday, November 17 I headed to a routine doctors appointment. Everything looked great but as we were getting ready to leave, the Dr wanted to check my amniotic fluid levels. Good thing because the levels were lower than they like them to be so Loni and I were told to head to the hospital; we were going to be induced that day! I was induced around 1:00 PM and at 11:21 pm that night, Stella Elisabeth Weaver was born!

Stella Elisabeth Weaver

November 17, 2009

11:21 pm

7lbs 5 oz

18.5"

Ellis is a great big sister - she loves to help out and do whatever she can to make Stella happy. Sometimes she is a little too overzealous and we have to reign her in a bit. Both of my girls are amazing to me!

Conversations with Ellis

Yesterday we were sitting in the car waiting for my mom and dad to show up for dinner and Ellis kept turning the back seat lights on and off. Growing tired of this I asked her to stop and here is how the conversation went:

Me: "Ellis, please stop turning the light on and off"
Ellis: "Why mommy?"
Me: "Because I said so - why do you want to keep doing it?"
Ellis: "Because it will make me happy"

What?! She is so funny - she will say the most random things and picks up on little details and words that I don't think she understands yet. During the holidays she is especially funny with her words: for Halloween, she called it Halloweens. Each time we go to Target she gets excited and wants to look at "More Christmas". I really think she thinks the holiday is called "more Christmas" and not just Christmas. She loves going to Costco to look at all the decorations and see all the toys she wants. We can't walk down any aisle without hearing her say "I want that......I want that...." over and over again. We tell her that if she is good Santa will bring her presents on Christmas.

Its fun to have a toddler at Christmas time because we have actually been able to call "Santa" and have Ellis talk to him (my dad). A couple times it has been when she was bad but most of the time it is when she is good and she is just updating Santa on her status. All we have to do now when she acts up is say we are going to call Santa and she freaks out. It is so cute!

She is so funny and I am very grateful she is my daughter.

Cinderwella

For Halloween this year Ellis wanted to be a princess so I started looking online for cute princess costumes. I really wanted to stay away from the generic store-bought costumes, plus I didn't want to pay a lot of money for them, so I hit up Craig's List. On it, I found a lady who actually makes princess costumes custom fit for your child for only $25. They turned out absolutely adorable and were a huge hit at the Ward Halloween Party, the mall and out trick or treating.

I tried foam rollers on her hair for the first time and was pleasantly surprised with the outcome. Here she is in all her "Cinderwella" glory:

Ellis (Cinderwella) and Jaida (Aurora) *note the princess dolls they are both holding*

Ellis and Jaida again (I don't know why Ellis is posing this way - she just does it for every picture she takes now)

At the Ward halloween party - all they wanted to do was run around the stage.

Loni and Amber's daughter Loralei (she was Ariel)

HALLOWEEN NIGHT

Getting ready to go to the mall

At the mall (side note - they absolutely SCORED on candy at the mall)

Out trick or treating that night. For those who can't tell, that is Loni in the pumpkin mask. They had a TON of fun scaring everyone with it this year.

She was ready for the night to end by the time we left (if you can't tell)...

Hope everyone had a great day!