Saturday, February 06, 2010

Wondering Out Loud

*This is kind of a sad post*

I had a weird dream the other night that brought my mind back to the loss of our baby boy on September 11, 2008. Since that dream I have been searching for counsel or direction from the church on miscarriages and/or stillborn children. To my dismay there is not much. And what there is is very vague and not encouraging.

So tonight my heart is heavy.

Since the loss happened I have been holding fast to the belief that I would someday have the opportunity to raise my boy. That I would get to experience the sweet joy of seeing him raised to a man. But everything I could find online and through the does not promise that, especially for a miscarriage.

So this leaves me with many questions that are not answered: Is it still considered a miscarriage if the pregnancy is halfway over? Or is it considered a stillborn? Why isn't there more revelation on this? My boy had a body, had a heartbeat (I SAW it beating), had LIFE in him - how can he not be considered as part of my family? What has become of his spirit? What will become of his tiny body at the resurrection? Does he know who I am? Does he know that I am his mom who still mourns for the loss of him? Does he look down on me from heaven and watches over loni, myself and his sisters? Will I see him one day and recognize who he is (or will he recognize me)? Am I a bad mom if I do not think of him every day?

All I can do is hope. And hope that my hope is not in vain. For I am still waiting to meet you, Lon Athan Weaver. My love is still flying to you on angel's wings; sweet dreams and God speed, little man.